How To Lose A Reader in 10 Seconds

I opened a piece of direct mail yesterday just because I respected the institution (which shall be nameless) that sent it. Unfortunately, the genius copywriter lost me as soon as he said hello with this deathless prose:

"This is XYZ today. This is the XYZ of tomorrow. This is the XYZ I want you to know."

I instantly heard the pounding drums from "Thus Sprake Zarathustra" (aka theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey) but steeled myself for another line, until I got to:

"The XYZ of the twenty-first century is active, responsive, builds community, transforms lives, impacts positive growth, strengthens families, and it provides real economic returns by empowering people across the City and State."

I'm sure it does. I'm also sure 50 other nonprofits in the city could stake the same claim. I wouldn't even mind reading a statement like that in my obituary. But what have I learned from all this hype? Nothing.

What does XYZ want from me? No clue.

What is XYZ doing - aside from being active, responsive etc.? No clue.

And frankly, by this point, I don't care. I've already done triage of my day's mail, keeping the bills, throwing out the credit card offers and obvious scams, and giving a few seconds consideration to the possibly worthy. I have even opened the envelope. But this fine institution, undoubtedly worthy of my contribution, isn't getting one because they lacked the good sense to tell me why I should care about them, what they are doing that is new and different, or even what they think I can do for them. Instead they bombarded me with pomposity.

I hope this direct mail letter succeeds for XYZ. But it did not succeed with me. Next time I'm not sure I'll even bother to open the envelope.